amish romance

If this recent amish romance novels trend really catches on, I might as well just go along with it. Now all I need is a plotline on the subject.

Little amish boy witnesses a murder and a big city cop must acompaign him back to his simple life community in order to protect THE WITNESS!

-The Witness…
-What?
-That’s the name of the film. It already exists. With Harrison Ford.
-Oh, yes, I see…

Strange murders lead two paranormal activity investigators into an amish community whose members don’t seem quite happy with their presence there…

-The X-Files…
-I figured…

So, how about this: an adult film producer (Rocco, he’s simply the best!) discovers the perfect girl (Stoya) to act with his great star (Sasha Grey) in his next movie. Problem is… she’s amish! To get the approval from the girl’s family, they will have to use their sensuality amongst members of the community. Little do they know that the sweet innocent Stoya is already having an affair with another member of the Amish, an african-american male (which could be played by me – I don’t think my skin color should be an issue – Lexington Steele). Film title: Raising the Barn!

leave phelps alone!

Here’s my attempt on a remake of Chris Crocker’s Leave Britney Alone video. The parody is based on Michael Phelps’ marijuana incident.


How fucking dare anyone out there harasss Michael after all he’s been through?!
He lost his sponsors, he went through a divorce. He has two fucking sisters!

He turned out to be a user, a pothead, and now he had to apologize. All you people care about is… readers and making money off of him.

HE’S A GOD!!! (ah! ooh!) What you don’t realize is that Phelps is making you all this money and all you do is write a bunch of crap about him.

He has been performing in championships for years. He won 14 olympic gold medals for a reason, because all you people want is MORE! MOREMORE, MOREMORE!

LEAVE HIM ALONE! You are lucky he’s even swam for you BASTARDS!
LEAVE MICHAEL PHELPS ALONE… please.

The Federation accused him of having disappointed his fans, that he had violated the rules and should be suspended.
Speaking of disappointing fans, what’s worse then prohibiting their hero from doing what he does so great for everyone to see?!

Leave Michael Alone, Please
Leave Michael Phelps Alone! right now! I mean it!

Anyone that has a problem with him, deal with me because he’s got the munchies right now.

LEAVE HIM ALONE!

Not funny, so I wouldn’t bother filming it. Plus, dying my hair blond wouldn’t be good to my career.

The Flying Cat Experiment

3 helium balloons (each one should have the following measures: diameter = 1,8 meter; volume = 3,2 cubic meters)
1 cat (10-11 pounds \ 4,5 to 5 kilos)
1 shotgun
3 shotgun shells (you might wanna upper that amount depending on your aiming abilities)
9 strong strings
3 small ropes

tie the ropes around the cat’s torso.
tie 3 strings to each rope.
connect the strings to the helium filled ballon (3 for each balloon, obviously)

The cat should fly gently with that amount of balloons.

Wait until the cat is at at least 40 meters from the ground.

Shoot the balloons and try to miss the cat.

Please, don’t shoot the poor little fellow.

Once most the balloons are shot, the cat should start losing altitude. Shoot ’em all before the lovely feline is below 30 meters from the ground.

Now check if the cat has survived.

If so, repeat the experiment again waiting for a little longer (45 meters before start shooting)

Thanks for your time,

hope your cat is okay.

J.P. “McCoy”

the “the” sketch

The following content is a script for an original sketch by ThoraZine Visual Productions. It was written and developed by J.P. Flores McCoy, Outabase Nakatsui, George Secrieru, Vanderlay DeVanini, Raphael Tosh, Eddie Winck (Winck Nudge Nudge Know What I Mean?!) and other associated personel from the Russian School of Writing in Brazil.

“The Many Meanings and Translation of

“dã” is a sort of phonetic expression used in brazil that signifies complete despite for what the person you are talking to – or the person you are referring to – just said. If someone says something stupid and you correct them, you can use the word “dã” right after you have proven your point to be right and his or hers to be completely foolish and ridiculous and not worthy having ever been said. For instance, let’s imagine you say something incredibly stupid and I correct you by saying “a whale is not a mammal, you mindless piece of human waste, it is a fish!”, then at the end of that last sentence I can use the fore-mentioned expression: “(…) not a mammal, it’s a fish, dã!”. I have recently noticed that sometimes I say that word in a more-like brittish accent, and that led me to notice that the word can be actually, uh, “translated”, let’s put it that way, into many other accents. Let’s start from the beginning (dã! see? you can use to correct yourself after beeing redundant or just saying something you only noticed to be stupid after hearing yourself):

brazilian portuguese: dã
brittish: daaah
irish/scottish: deeei
canadian: diiih
french: dã.
german: dach!

If you want to know how to pronounce that wonderful word in your own country common accent, please send an email with your voice recordings of a couple of sentences in your language to coioteflores@gmail.com, followed by a mail-letter containing US$10.99 to my P.O. Box (sorry, I really only take cash. Legal problems leading to citizenship and governmental problems leading to banking problems, well, you know the drill) and I will be delighted to record the correct pronunciation of that specific word just-for-you. Or maybe I’ll just do it for free.