requiescat in pace

It’s been a daily struggle to shake off that feeling of a constant collapsing surrounding us, which is not a constant but rather just something increasingly more frequent. One perishes and that feeling comes strong and you have to remind yourself that while that one tired off and led themself out of this apparently collapsing world we must struggle forth. And it really is not as hard as it seems: there is so much growth around those collapsing pillars — we just have to lean on that instead of leaning on the dying.

As for the sadness cast upon us on this day, on the passing of a largely admired artist, a human being, someone who I don’t remember touching me in a personal level as much as has done to others, I can only understand it through the words of a preacher: if a part of Europe gets watered off in the sea, Europe changes, for that stranded land was part of what made Europe itself. The same way, the death of another man diminishes me, for I am part of human kind. (ask not for whom the bells toll — the bells toll for you)

predator as a life analogy

Sometimes I feel like Dillon from the first Predator film other times I feel like maybe I’m Scharzenegger or the quiet and respectful indian guy there’s even a few times when I like to think of myself as the local girl who talks about EL DIABLO! EL DIABLO! But mostly I really wish I was just one of the first corpses found and got rid of all the ugly shit we all saw later

diaries from the rehab

It’s been three days. Three days out of thirty-three years in which I have been able to read and write at least since I was about four, maybe five, and this is the first time I ever remember having been impeded ––no! Prohibited from writing. I actually believe that maybe russian anarchists and the Marqués de Sade felt less troubled finding ways to write while confined.

And the reason? Well, I could, and that is a fact, kill myself with a pen. It would takes lots of strength, but it is doable. Okay. Thing is, they also prohibited me from taking in the pen’s refill. You know, the ink refill, confined in a soft plastic rubber-like tube? So I can’t take a pen or an ink tube into the clinic because even this second one carries suicide risk (don’t ask me how).

One look around any room in this institute an I can already think of various manners of assaulting, fatally or not, anyone here, yours truly included. Bureaucracy is stupid. Burrocracy11 does not treat addiction. Bureaucracy obstructs art.

It also took three days to get the books I brought with me when checking in. Note that they were already with me. They had to go though “customs”, which is also understandable, but that administrative area is close by the patients house where I would be settled in. Meaning: they never even left the institute’s premises. Still, three days. I had to read Hemingway. Slowly And I mean slowly. That’s slow- — take a big pause there… wait… just a little more… now: -ly

11 That’s a wordplay on “burro” (portuguese for “stupid”, “dumb”), which slightly resembles the brazilian word for bureaucracy, which is “burocracia” [bu.ɾu.kɾɐ.sˈi.ɐ]

If you don’t have a song
To sing you’re okay
You know how to get along
Humming
Hmmm

If you don’t have a date
Celebrate
Go out and sit on the lawn
And do nothing
‘Cause it’s just what you must do
Nobody does it anymore

No I don’t believe in the wasting of time,
But I don’t believe that I’m wasting mine

If you don’t have a point to make
Don’t sweat it
You’ll make a sharp one being so kind
And I’d sure appreciate it
Everyone else’s goal’s to get big headed
Why should I follow that beat being that I’m
Better than fine

from now on

So I have finally decided to put myself onto a rehabilition program which’s results I can’t even begin to wonder how will be but considering how difficult it is for me to even type — it’s like my brain functions are unable to participate in my writing skills [it’s an effort just to type this words and correct the many mistakes such as meaningless chacarcters jumping on the screen without my fingers even realizing what they are doing here on the keyboard] it’s become more than obvious that such drastic measure needed to be taken and it’s been so for quite a while now.

It’s not just a drugs & alcohol abuse issue — I’ve been feeling unspeakably depressive and trying to suppress those feelings with mind and behavior chemical distractions.

By tommorrow afternoon definite bureaucratic measures will be taken on that matter. I don’t feel hopeful or desperate in anyway. I feel nothing — nothing at all — for that matter. Only thing I’m sure is that at least I have put those demi-suicidal thoughts aside.

So here’s to whatever’s about to come!

Cheers.

don’t wanna walk around with me

I hate feeling hated, or left out, left behind, cast aside. Feeling of abandonment… Wonder how many times I might have inflicted that on others.

I’ve wronged, I’ve wronged and I’ve wronged, but I did my best and felt like so. Friends fall apart, but only time should be able to set them apart, for no human being should have the coldness to decide so. None should feel the cold sting of been chosen not to be part of one’s life anymore. “For practical reasons”.

Like a company leting an employee go. Like a logistics expert canceling purchases.

I don’t think I’ll ever be able to describe this mixed up feelings inside me. It’s all new to me. All too painful.

I keep ringing over and over to my self: “It’s your fault. It’s your fault. It’s your fault” so I don’t have to feel angry, so I don’t get so confused, but I’m not convincing myself. Maybe there’s nowt to blame. And that’s what makes it so hard.

And there is no drug or amount of alcohol to overlap this.

so this happened to a friend of mine

I cried when he told the story in a post. Tears of joy they were. A few hours later, I re-read it and once again I cried — tears of joy again I cried. I’ll try and tell the story as best as I can.

Having gone away and being back feeling unsucessful — in debt with both family and bank — he of course felt frustrated, if not worse. Things were uncertain. Moving away from one’s hometown can be awful scary, and being disappointed in such enterprise will most certainly be quite damaging, I suppose. And not only that, a long lasting relationship had come to an end, whatever reasons, and so he as broken in that manner as well. Depressed, not knowing what exactly happend, much less what would come from then, a friend of his offered him another professional chance at yet another state in Brazil. But he missed his chance. The selection date passed by. He decided to at least write an email to the company then. And he did.

Only thing is, he went a little too far on his explanations. He told ’em what happened — on personal level as well — he told ’em about the break up and he summed thing up by stating he was probably not the best choice for the company at that moment, being in such an unbalanced emotion state.

And they responded. Yes. There was a picture of the staff: everyone was making little hearts with their hands and smiling at the camera, all together. In the text, they said they hope his heart would feel full again and that those people in the picture were there waiting for him, to nourish and take care him.

So this is it: there is still so much grace and caring in the world! And I’m thankful that he shared his story to remind of that. And for that purpose I share it with you.

unloved

Unloved. That would be word for it. And it’s not like people don’t make their efforts to show me love, and I have no reasons to doubt them. What interest would anyone have in pretending to love? There might be some self righteous vibe to it, I supposed, but I don’t really see it. I see them as sincere. Still, I feel unloved. Perhaps there’s some distance between internal me and my reception of others. Perhaps it’s just the junk, or current-state-wise, lack of it.

just getting it out there

Sometimes I feel like spliting someone’s face in half or just smashed to the ground. Not that I ever would — or could — but still there’s this anger that comes from perceiving such wrongfulness in people’s intentions or doings and there’s not much to do about it, no one to share it with.

And I can’t concentrate because I worry about the ones I love and can’t just read a book and distract me from that stupid-fuck-misogynyst-crap I have to sense from fellow men and I can’t edit my texts or whatever and I can’t just talk shit through.

So I hit the gym.

Or swallow it down in alcohol which always seems to be the only way to do the whole distract-myself-trick.
Why do good people put up with said shallow egoistic arses?

my 33rd birthday

I’ve been crying everyday, everyday, everyday, sometimes more intensely and for prolonged times, sometimes just a tiny bit, for various reasons, since last year. There might have been a couple of exceptions there,

I can barely sleep for more than one hour at a time. I get up to smoke a fag and my mind is already switched on, most of the time thinking about anything that will put me down, anything that happened that could make me feel bad, or just contemplating suicide. I would not worry about that because it seemed like some far off contemplation of the idea, like when you’re a teenager.
But it keeps getting worse. Everyday more intense. Been sober makes it harder, so I always get back to drinking. That’s distractive and all, but I simply don’t that to myself. I’ve done some minor research on the most painless way to end it all, maybe just knowing that will calm me down… I really can’t tell.

Today is my birthday and I don’t feel like celebrating life. I just wished I could sleep. I used to like sleeping with my hands resting over my chest because that reminded me of the apparent peace of a corpse. Isn’t death just sleeping sound? Maybe I’m not sad at all. Maybe I just need to get some sleep.

I know that isn’t true, but I need something to console the poeple I love. I love when I feel wanted enough for people to worry, but at the same time I don’t want people to worry. I want everyone to keep on living at their fullest when I’m dead.

I still don’t know what happens from here but hopefully I’ll find some kind of hope. And if not, at least I already know that if life’s not worth living at least death will be worth dying.

But today I just need to get some sleep. I’m sorry.