my 33rd birthday

I’ve been crying everyday, everyday, everyday, sometimes more intensely and for prolonged times, sometimes just a tiny bit, for various reasons, since last year. There might have been a couple of exceptions there,

I can barely sleep for more than one hour at a time. I get up to smoke a fag and my mind is already switched on, most of the time thinking about anything that will put me down, anything that happened that could make me feel bad, or just contemplating suicide. I would not worry about that because it seemed like some far off contemplation of the idea, like when you’re a teenager.
But it keeps getting worse. Everyday more intense. Been sober makes it harder, so I always get back to drinking. That’s distractive and all, but I simply don’t that to myself. I’ve done some minor research on the most painless way to end it all, maybe just knowing that will calm me down… I really can’t tell.

Today is my birthday and I don’t feel like celebrating life. I just wished I could sleep. I used to like sleeping with my hands resting over my chest because that reminded me of the apparent peace of a corpse. Isn’t death just sleeping sound? Maybe I’m not sad at all. Maybe I just need to get some sleep.

I know that isn’t true, but I need something to console the poeple I love. I love when I feel wanted enough for people to worry, but at the same time I don’t want people to worry. I want everyone to keep on living at their fullest when I’m dead.

I still don’t know what happens from here but hopefully I’ll find some kind of hope. And if not, at least I already know that if life’s not worth living at least death will be worth dying.

But today I just need to get some sleep. I’m sorry.


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