Are Toasters Intelligent?

This short text was originally published (as far as I can remember, with a little help from cache memory) on this webpage http://www.dcs.shef.ac.uk/~u6dsa/flat24/toaster.html, which obviously doesnt exist anymore. Beeing smart and childish enough to have it printed by the time I first read it, some night between my birthday and the present day. I decided to rip it off my old bedroom wall, where it has been glued to for over a decade, and get it on the web once again. I like it. I really liked it. Congratulations to the Members of the Republic of Flat 24, whoever you are, and wherever you are.

Are Toasters Intelligent?

This question was recently proposed to myself by my other self, who is not essentially me but who cannot be scientifically proven not to be me so is also known as me to most others. Open minded individuals will accept him as Clive the Weasel. He insisted that the implications of intelligent toasters existing are phenomenal. Toasters could learn how to read, write and talk and eventually be integrated into human society and culture.

Sceptics remain sceptical.

Llamas incidentally, remain camellias but that’s another matter entirely (and one I neither have the ability nor the sexual frustration necessary to go into right now). The first evidence that toasters could have intelligence was proposed by D.Armstrong who argued that ‘Microsoft did not.make them therefore they must function’. David argued that functionality was. an important criteria in all living beings. I had to disagree with this point stating logically that Ross MaskelI was an example of a living being that does not function in a normal manner. My evidence for this was based on his apathetic, sluggish behaviour and inability to cook sausages properly.
Rick Webber, our leading electrician, recently carried out a series of electrical tests on the toaster and concluded, with the use of five Van De Graff generators and a mile of superconducting wire, that the toaster was not plugged in. How this would seem to suggest any significant sentient behaviour is beyond comprehension. This forms the basis of Rick’s argument. He argues that we would not be able to understand his theory if he had one therefore he does not need one. I said that if this was true then it could be proven that his mother was a fish. He said ‘She is, she is in a multitude of different realities and her body is in a state of equilibrium in accordance with Rays Law.
Rays law was actually developed by me and states that:
If the number zero can be mathematically proven to be equal to one then anything in the universe can be proven to be anything else.
By far the most convincing evidence comes from studying the life of Adolph Hitler. He did not ever say anything about toasters possibly being alive. This would seem to suggest that there has been a cover up, and that the Nazis were using intelligent toasters to infiltrate allied fortifications and to spy on British breakfast habits, hoping to strengthen their army by nutritional methods. This must have failed, or we’d all be listening to happy hardcore and munching on bratwurst. Salim Vanaak, another flat24 resident, believes that toasters have built their own cities on the moon and are preparing for a full scale invasion. They will weaken us by causing all toasters currently inhabiting the Earth to cease to function, they will, in effect be instructed to commit suicide. This will prevent us from manufacturing toast based defences, the only known protection against toasters. These are based on the fact that crumbs accumulate in the bottom of toasters after a period of exposure to toast rendering them inoperable.

Copyright © 1997 by the Members of the Republic of Flat 24. All rights reserved.

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4 thoughts on “Are Toasters Intelligent?

  1. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

    My friend and I were actually discussing this article the other day, having discovered it in the mid-90s as well. Thank you for having the foresight to print and repost it.

    We both have long ago lost our printed copies.

  2. My God…. This is a blast from the past. I use to live in Flat 24 Broad Lane Court! and I was present when this
    was created.

    It just goes to show that once you put something on the net, it somehow gets a life of its own.

    This was created by David Armstrong who was one of my Flat mates during my first year at university in 1996.

    Its nice to hear the story of how it has been preserved 🙂

    Salim.

    1. ARE YOU SERIOUS?! Can you imagine me – now a sort-of-major pseudo-geek in Porto Alegre, Brazil, [not a big time programmer, but all my blogs, jokes, stupid ideads somehow get spread around BIG TIME] getting in touch with whoever was in Flat 24 when I was – 13-14- and barely learning how to use the fucking keyboard to access the world, not just to write what was on my mind?!

    2. BTW, when I tell this story to my kids, can I change “… and a couple decades later I got a note from some guy at flat 24” to “… and do you believe that the writer of the chronicle was actually Stoya and that’s how I met your mother?!”

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