So here they are,

The (not so much as) 100 Facts on Bruce Lee

I heard Bruce Lee just thought a nasty thought about a
weightlifter fifty miles away and the man fell over
unconscious with his arms and legs stuffed in his
mouth with little paper crowns upon them like a
Thanksgiving Turkey. That’s what I heard.

I heard Bruce could swallow bottle tops, then fire
them out of his ass like Ninja throwing stars, using
Shaolin sphincter control. That’s what I heard.

I heard that in the early 70s, Nasa astronomers
calculated the Moon was going to crash into the Earth
and they phoned Lee. He said: “If that fucking lump of
rock moves a fucking inch out of its fucking orbit I
will use a Snarling Tiger kick and boot it to fucking
Betelguese, I swear” and the Moon was so frightened
that it returned to its orbit immediately. That’s what
I heard.

I heard doctors once enlisted Bruce’s help to SCARE a
guy out of a coma. He threatened to break the guy’s
arms off like breadsticks and shove them up his ass.
The guy instantly regained consciousness. This is the
highest expression of kung fu power.

Bruce Lee’s punches were so fast they blasted into the
future and landed on his own body seconds later, after
he’d stepped forward. This is what really killed him -
the only thing powerful enough: his own fists.

I heard tell that during the making of the final scene
of Enter The Dragon, with the room full of mirrors,
they problems shooting that scene, because Bruce’s
reflection wasn’t visible in the mirrors. The reason?
Even his REFLECTION was too scared to meet his steely
Shaolin gaze.

THE TRUTH: there were no mirrors, he just ran at
72frames per second pausing at each spot for one
frame.

There is also missing footage from Bruce’s famed kung
fu demonstration at Long Beach, where he compresses a
Chevy with his bare hands to the size of a stock cube.

I heard that Bruce secretly worked for the Oil
companies – his fists being faster and infinitely
harder than the tungsten diamond-capped industrial
drills. Bruce could explore to whatever depth he
predetermined – with one punch. That’s what I heard.

It is a little-know fact that Bruce was unable to use
the john like other guys. Once, at a wine and cheese
party at Chuck Norris’s house, Bruce went to the
toilet, only to emerge minutes later, ruefully picking
shards of porcelain from his ass. The reason? He had
emitted a kamikaze (Divine Wind) fart and literally
BLOWN the toilet ASUNDER.

I heard his penis had its own penis. Or so I heard.

I heard that when Bruce visited the UK to publicize
‘Enter the Dragon’ he met Margaret Thatcher and taught
her the Five Point Exploding Heart Technique which she
used with such effect on Arthur Scargill during the
Miner’s Strike – but she added her own ending, a
contemptuous double twist of her opponent’s nipples as
he went down.. Bruce was dead by then but he was so
outraged that through sheer force of will he brought
himself back to life and used his Drunken Monk Impact
Combination to get her dismissed as Conservative Party
Leader over the Maastricht Treaty. Then he returned to
the Heaven of the Ninety Peach-Bottomed Boys.

I once saw Bruce Lee stare at Muhammad Ali – he’s been
shaking ever since.

When I was a kid, I saw Bruce Lee demonstrate diamond
creation by clenching a lump of coal in his butt
cheeks, and compressing it into a perfect 2 carat
emerald cut, flawless diamond.

Bruce actually had to register his EYES as deadly
weapons, because he could cook people with them.
LITERALLY. Like the radar on a Mig 25.

I heard that the only way Bruce could get to sleep was
to stare at himself in a mirror and try and frighten
himself into a faint. Mostly though, his reflection
would wet itself and run away screaming.

I heard when he was approached by a gay hooker in SF,
Bruce Lee kicked his ass so hard the guy no longer has
aids.

I heard that Buddha sent a vision of Bruce Lee
training back in time into Boddidarma’s mind as he
meditated. It was from this inspiration that Shaolin
kung fu was created.

As part of his training, Bruce used to have a 10 ton
weight dropped on his stomach 500 times a day. When
this became insufficient he used to suspend himself to
posts on the runway so that incoming 747s would impact
upon his abs instead.

I heard that Bruce Lee’s pride and joy was his
collection of pressed wild flowers. One day, when he
in Kowloon, just inside Hong Kong, a PLA border guard
flicked a cigarette that burned a daisy Bruce had his
eye on. Bruce simply trembled slightly and lobomotised
eight divisions of the Red Guard through the
percussive effect. He only accepted Red China’s
apology when Chairman Mao finally dressed up as Widow
Twankey and performed a one-man pantomime of Alladin
for Bruce’s pleasure.

Bruce could eat up to 500 crackers in one go – with no
glass of water. So I heard.

Bruce was actually recruited by NASA in the 60s after
he was involved in a road rage incident, during which
he kicked a fellow motorist’s car into low earth
orbit. NASA figured he could easily sidekick several
tons of useful payload into outer space.

Bruce was so hard that when he went out, the only
drink permissible for him was a pint of cancer.

Another Shaolin technique developed by Bruce was his
famous “heat endurance”. Having mastered the art of
walking on white-hot coals whilst still in the womb,
Bruce used to tag a lift on any space vehicle – but on
the outside. His zen mastery prevented him from
burning up on re-entry into the earth’s atmosphere.

The oxygen-free atmosphere of space was no problem for
Bruce, either – he breathed no more than 10 times
throughout his life, believing it to be wasteful.

Bruce appeared on morning TV to publicise his book,
The Lo-Carb Wok, but got bumped by a man with a
dancing snake. He was so angry he rearranged the
host’s face with his mind so that she became the
definition of ‘hideous’ in the Oxford English
Dictionary and forced her to take his name so everyone
would know that he had done it. That presenter was
Kathy Lee Gifford.

One of his most famed tricks was to use his incredibly
powerful lungs to inhale all the air in the vicinity
of an oncoming attacker, thus killing them by
asphyxia.

I once watched him eat a bucket of AIDS because he
shamed himself by stopping his pushups at infinity.

Bruce Lee had to stop shaking people’s hands, as it
required absolutely perfect muscle control and
restraint on his part to avoid ripping the hand off at
the wrist just with the slightest twitch, he was so
powerful.

Hookers in the SF area were issued with
Wehrmacht-style steel helmets by the National Guard
because there had been a spate of whores found with
the top of their skullcaps blown out by the force of
Bruce’s ejaculations. During the Vietnam War, Bruce
used to shoot down VietCong Migs simply by thinking
about Ann-Margaret and Shirley Maclaine 69-ing each
other while Elizabeth Taylor looked on, pleasuring
herself.

I heard Bruce Lee was putting up some shelves and hurt
his thumb. He blinked, and destroyed all wood not just
on Earth but that had existed in time or had even been
conceived in the imagination of man.

An unmentionable Chinese technique is recorded to have
been used by Bruce in 1982. The situation was that
Bruce consummated his first marriage with a romantic
evening followed by sex in which his penis swallowed
his partner whole. He attained perfect orgasmic
pleasure.

During the final months of his life, Bruce’s reactions
attained such speed that they became a hindrance.
Once, at a restaurant with Chuck Norris, Bruce entered
and paid the bill before sitting down to eat. He was
once observed pre-emptively wiping his ass before
taking a dump.

For most males of the species, being able to lift the
weight of a wet flannel with their erect member is
considered an achievement. However, on a private
visit to China in 1977, Bruce entertained his hosts by
lifting the entire population of the People‚s
Republic, using his erect manhood alone.

Bruce Lee’s sperm was so powerful that one continued
to exist within the fertilized egg that became his
son, swimming its way around the son’s body fighting
to gain control, until it exploded in rage, killing
him decades later. This is what really killed Brandon
lee.

Bruce’s testicular control was the result of hard
training. He could actually launch them at his
enemies, like a set of bolas, tripping them up. He
trained them diligently, by lowering them every
morning into a pasta machine, and rolling them through
on the thinnest setting.

One of Bruce’s most remarkable talents was reverse
eating. Biting a stick between his teeth, he would
lower himself over a plate of dim sum and eat it using
his anus, working the food BACKWARDS through his colon
until it reached his stomach. He would then reverse
digest the food through his esophagus and regurgitate
a turd.

My dad was old enough to have attended the first UK
screening of Enter The Dragon. On leaving the cinema
he was amazed to find himself covered in welts and
bruises, with hairline fractures to three ribs. Put
simply, Bruce had ass-whipped the entire audience
simply through the power of his cinematic projection.

Time published an article on “weapons of mass
destruction” Bruce Lee’s name was mentioned 13,208,892
times.

It was a one page article.

Bruce Lee’s use of chopsticks was so fast that he once
finished eating his dinner before the waiter had even
brought it to the table. This caused the waiter to
disappear with a scream, as he became part of a
paradox in time that collapsed in upon itself.

It’s not widely known that depleted uranium shells
were actually developed in the 1960s, but it was only
after Bruce’s death that their armour-piercing
capabilities were realised. This is because Bruce
used to work for the US Army, and no matter what
ordnance they fired at his abs, it would all simply
bounce harmlessly off him. Many people don’t realise
that the US admin has been under the impression for
decades that nuclear weapons don’t work for this very
reason.

Bruce Lee would torture houseflies as a kid. With his
chopsticks, he would pull their legs off one by one as
they flew, and the flies would eventually die of
exhaustion because they couldn’t land.

I heard Bruce was playing Scrabble with Brandon when
Brandon put ‘Zygotymous’ beginning on a Triple Score
square and also linking Bruce’s own contribution
‘Mous’ (no-one ever dared challenge Bruce’s words).

Bruce was so annoyed that he Brick Mason Tossed his
son through a thirty volume set of concrete-bound
dictionaries so hard and physically split him into six
new better children who became Lee Remick, Lee Marvin,
Lee Evans, Spike Lee, Christopher Lee and Ho Lee Fook.

Bruce Lee never actually lost his virginity because he
was so fast that he had always managed to give the
woman several orgasms, impregnate her and reduce her
to a quivering heap – all before finishing taking his
clothes off.

Bruce Lee often trained by eating iron bars and
farting them out with bullet-like accuracy to toughen
up his abs. One fateful day he took a picnic atop a
grassy knoll in Dallas and, a few moments later,
became part of history.

Back, and to the left.

Bruce once invited Chuck Norris and John Saxon to his
Bel Air mansion for a game of Hungry Hippos. They were
amazed when Bruce led them into an enclosure filled
with enraged african hippos.

Bruce allowed himself to be eaten by a large male,
digested and shit out, before reassembling his own DNA
using chi, and then turned the hippo inside out
through its own anus.

I heard that to toughen himself up, bruce lee went
back in time to spend the first 13 years of his life
locked in a shoe-box in the middle of a septic tank.

I heard Bruce Lee went to the Lyceum to see Kramer vs.
Kramer and burst into tears that fell so hard that the
streams of salty water threatened to oxidise the very
atmosphere of the Earth itself. President Nixon had to
jet Dustin Hoffman into the theatre and quickly improv
a new ending in which Kramer gets back with Meryl
Streep and wins the Mexican lotto. Unfortunately
someone refused Bruce’s voucher for a free popcorn
refill so he collapsed the Soviet Union.

Bruce Lee once got told the wrong directions by a
tourist to a toilet. After realizing this, Bruce
found the tourist and using his patented “3 point
paralyze toilet technique”, punched a hole in the
tourist, in which Bruce defecated.

During the fight scenes in Enter The Dragon, Bruce was
actually ASLEEP. Fred Weintraub believed actually
filming while Bruce was awake could have deadly
consequences for the film crew. The only time it was
SAFE to film him was when he was SLUMBERING.

Not a lot of people know the true facts of Bruce Lee’s
death in 1973. This came about because Jesus was
jealous that Bruce’s Stalking Puma Punch could knock
the planets of the solar system out of their orbits
and arrange them into a Newton’s Cradle – IN HIS
SLEEP. So Jesus ordered Death to claim Lee. Death
said: ‘Yeah, good one’. Jesus said: ‘No, I am not
kidding’. Death said; ‘No fucking way. Not a fucking
chance’. Jesus said: ‘If you don’t, I will get Barry
to write you up’.

In the end, the only way they got Bruce into the
afterlife was to tell him that Kien Sheh (Han from
ŒEnter The Dragon‚) was talking smack about him in
hell and Bruce went to kick his ass. When Bruce found
out he’d been tricked he cancelled all electricity on
earth and Jesus had to take a swift vacation to
Antarctica to keep out of his way.

My grandmother was accosted by a mugger…unarmed, she
used the only defense open to her, and shouted “BRUCE
LEE” at her assailant. On hearing those words, her
attacker’s blood coagulated instantly within his body
and his testes exploded like microwaved eggs. That is
the power of Bruce.

Bruce Lee is the Christ-killer. It was his
time-traveling, physics-defying fists that were
summoned through dark, pagan Chinese magicks, to
appear out of a time rift and pound in the nails that
held Jesus to the cross. No other force was great
enough to pierce the holy flesh.

Bruce Lee once got an Israeli and a Palestinian to
SHAKE HANDS and make up.

Every time I summon an image of Bruce using my
imagination, I hear a tapping, tapping at my chamber
door.

Insane with envy, Superman started talking shit about
Bruce. Bruce simply cupped his ear and said: ‘Sucka
says what?’. The simple movement of Bruce’s earlobe
was enough to put Superman in a hospital bed with a
broken back forever. Sometimes, for fun, Bruce comes
in and rearranges Superman into Barbie’s Purple
Passion Dollhouse poses while Superman whimpers
piteously.

ASSOCIATED PRESS

By Staff Reporter

A 15 year old boy is described as ‘painfully dead’
after his brain exploded.

Scott Randall was found dead in bed, with his brains
leaking out his ears, nose and anus.

Scott, a keen martial enthusiast, was believed to have
had his consciousness pulped during a psychic battle
with legendary ‘martial arts’ star Bruce Lee.

Detectives say he made the mistake of trying to ‘own’
Bruce during a day dream, a fatal act which kills
thousand of adolescent boys every year.

“If only he’d thought about Jet Li”, his griefstricken
mother Wanda said, “He couldn’t fight a girl’s netball
team.”

Milton’s classic 10,565 line verse, ‘Paradise Lost’ in
which he explores the reign of Satan in Hell, was
originally 300 pages longer because Satan insisted
that whenever his name was mentioned along with such
terms as “Untrammell’d master of the horde stygian”,
Milton had to add the words “(except for Bruce Lee)”
otherwise “Lee will kick me so hard my nipples will
shoot of my goatish body, circumnavigate the globe and
hit me in the back with the force of Magnum ’44 slugs.
I’m not joking’. Every morning Satan has to make Lee
some Eggs Benedict and serve them to him in bed on a
tray ‘to keep him sweet’.

To toughen himself up when he was a kid, Bruce used to
ask the local car breakers to install tungsten spikes
in the car crusher before dangling his gonads into the
machine as it went about it’s crushing work. However,
Bruce’s bollocks were of such might that the machine
was rendered useless.

AP Reports Satan as saying: ‘I used to have it easy
for eight millenia and then one day in 1973, this
little chink fuck turns up and tells me to turn down
the thermostat. Well, I shit myself laughing and he
just reaches over grabs one of my nuts clenches it so
hard it solidifies into teak and then sets a swarm of
chrome-plated woodpeckers onto it. And he was reading
the paper with the other hand. Since then, my life has
turned to shit. Fuck it, I might as well go and do
that Stereo Maintenance course I read on Craig‚s List.
Please don’t print that I called him a ‘little chink
fuck’ will you?’

Bruce Lee‚s penis had a tendency to get loose. Once,
in 1916, it sped across the North Atlantic and sank
the entire Imperial German High Seas Fleet at Jutland.
President Poincare himself embraced it, kissed it on
both sides and then pinned to it the Ordre du
Chevalier de la Legion D’Honneur. Then when it got
back Bruce said ‘Whatcha been doin’?’ and his dick
said ‘Nuthin’ much’.

Once, while filming in China, Bruce carved an entire
Buddha, 80 feet tall X 80 feet wide, in a mountainside
by pissing. The chi of his pee was so strong that all
he had to do was aim and carve.

However, Bruce’s urine was so strong it imbued the
giant statue with life itself. That was OK but it
started doing infomercials for the Psychic Hotline and
not giving Bruce his cut so he palm-slammed it so hard
it condensed into a dot so utterly dense the only
other broadcast work it could get was as a humorous
pundit on Air America where it would still regularly
upstage Al Franken with the pungency of its
observations.

The widely held belief that tides are pulled by the
gravity of the moon is nonsense; in fact, all seas
were non-tidal until Bruce learned to swim. Such was
the power and fury of his strokes, it is estimated
that tides will only subside in around 4 billion
years.

It is a well known fact that over 400 women were
killed from the impact of Bruce Lee’s headboard on
their cranium. Bruce’s super-thrusts were so powerful
that most women’s heads would flatten instantly, so
that the top of the head was level with the eyebrows,
making them look like a villain from the old Dick
Tracy comics.

Few women survived the first collision with Bruce’s
headboard. None survived the second.

I heard that Bruce was on the internet and came across
a picture of a puppy in spats and a top hat that he
wanted to print out and post in his cubicle. But when
he pressed ‘print’ he found that his printer had not
been supplied with a USB cable which he had to buy
separately.

Using the Palsied Cheesemonger Spin, he punched his
Sinclair Z66 Computer so hard everyone who had even
been on the Web since 1989 instantly became a virgin
again except for those who were already virgins whose
holes healed up. Now 90% of the world is completely
airtight, thanks to Bruce.

I heard that Bruce Lee was actually considered to be
the seventh ‘Friend’ in ‘Friends’. He was to be
Maurice, a ditsy drape designer with a pug amusingly
called ‘Butch’, who lived next door to Monica and
Rachel, wore outrageous kimonos and painted his nails.
His catchphrase was to be: ‘I bet that’d look good in
chaps’.

Unfortunately, one-fifteenth of a second after the
scriptwriter – late of ‘Everyone Hates Raymond’ and
‘Just Stab Me’ – came up with that idea, she
spontaneously combusted in an forty megatonne
fireball. ‘It was like her Powerbook exploded’, said
the Brentwood fire chief, ‘with the force of an
invisible meteorite the size of Jupiter’.

Ronald Regan’s survival of Hinckley’s bullets in 1981
was widely held to be down to luck. However, it was
Bruce in FACT. Whilst in deep TAO meditation in Honk
Kong, Bruce heard the sound of grime on Hinckley’s
finger scrape against the trigger; in an instant the
power of Bruce’s chi gave him a full picture of the
situation. Before the bullet had left the chamber
Bruce was on his way to the US – stopping only to
liberate the Falkland Islands from the Argentinean
occupation a year before it had even started.

By the time he arrived, a bullet had already
penetrated Regan. With lightning quick reflexes Bruce
used the Shaolin “operating theatre side kick” to
juggle Regan’s lifeless cadaver with such skill and
precision as to render the bullet non-lethal, whilst
at the same time massaging the then-president’s heart
back to life. Bruce then caught Hinckley’s second
bullet in his sphincter, firing it into space, before
returning to Hong Kong and completing his meditations.
Needless to add, the naked eye is incapable of seeing
Bruce at the scene as his speed was beyond the mere
ken of the human mind, and also beyond the limited
technology of 1980s cameras to capture.

Bruce Lee, for all his many strengths, was not very
expressive in English. And why should he be? He didn’t
leave Hong Kong for the US until he was 21 and had no
formal schooling.<

He did sometimes mangle his verb tenses and screw up
his subject-object agreements. Once, in 1967, the
milkman left two cartons of skimmed milk and a pint of
cottage cheese when Bruce had specifically told him
FULL milk and NO cheese. Bruce immediately sat down
and wrote him a long, anrgy note. Chuck Norris had a
quick glance at it and though he knew it was gibberish
he didn't say anything when Bruce left it on the
doormat.

Well, it so happened that milkman was Allan Ginsberg
who took the note and, without changing a word,
published it as his poem 'Howl', perhaps the most
famous verse of the Beat Generation. Later Bruce
stuffed a whole Aberdeen Angus cow wearing samurai
armor up Ginsberg's arse 'for plagiarism'.

I heard that a group of Hong Kong gangsters were
interested in killing Bruce for some affront to their
honor. However, the very moment when the lead
gangster formed the idea and said “Ok, let‚s do it,”
the sheer weight of Bruce Lee’s chi caused a
restructure in history. The consequence of this was
that the head gangster was transformed into a long
line of bukkake porn stars. If you listen to him
closely enough as he gargles copious amounts of sperm,
you can hear the words “..bruce..ree..”

My dad told me that he once watched Bruce Lee lose a
poker game. Bruce proceeded to destroy Las Vegas and
re-create it with people he built with his mind.

I heard Bruce Lee was playing Monopoly with his son
aged 4, Brandon, when he landed on Boardwalk where
Brandon had two hotels, putting his dad out of the
game. Bruce was so angry that he flicked the little
metal Top Hat so fast into the future that it killed
Brand aged 40 when he’d had time to “think about what
he’d done.”

We have touched on Bruce’s many strengths. We have not
mentioned his weaknesses.

One of these was that he had no sense of humour. For
example, he just didn’t ‘get’ “Fawlty Towers”.

He would watch each episode over and over again
absolutely expressionless. Sometimes he would turn to
a friend and say: ‘The tall man strikes the small man
upon the head with a spoon to shame him. Why does not
the small man use his agility and speed to execute the
Drunken Driving Instructor Dance Kick in the way a
water vole often disables a T34 tank?’. Later, Leonard
Sachs (who played Manuel) received through the post an
ornately enameled box which, when opened, revealed the
severed head of John Cleese and a card reading ‘Flom A
Fliend’.

Finally Bruce admitted defeat and at his funeral, as
the mourners gathered before his giant brass
sarcophagus decorated with life size sculptures of
Bruce, in effigy, crushing the Three Spectres of
Ignorance (Communism, Dandruff and Progressive Jazz),
he gave strict instructions that in order to honor the
only enemy he had not been able to beat, all twelve
episodes of Fawlty Towers should be shown and that the
mourners must not emit a single smile throughout or
smirk otherwise his ghost would come out of his coffin
and impale the offender open the steeple of the church
through the sphincter. By the end of the ceremony, the
only mourners left unimpaled were a blind-mute, former
President Ford and Janine Garafalo.

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